This point in my life seems to resemble a washing machine set at the spin cycle. I honestly tried to slow it down by throwing a few wrenches in the gear shaft but that only made the barrel spin off-center. So in the end, I decided to pry my own iron grip from the metal edges and allow my body be taken into the spinning chaos. Surprisingly enough, I have found a deep sense of peace in accepting that I cannot control many things about my own life. And well to be perfectly honest I most often experience this deep sense of peace after yoga and when eating Haagen Dazs coffee ice cream but who is really keeping track?
My greatest fear about letting the tides of life changes wash over me was the fear of encountering a deep sense of powerlessness. Strangely enough, powerlessness is in a way a certain kind of freedom. It is ever so tempting to latch on to the idea that I am actually in control of my life because there are moments where I feel that life is managable and maybe just maybe if I put in just the right amount of effort I can find true love, find the perfect career crafted for the oversensitve me while becoming a fine tuned yoga goddess dancer extraordinaire who never if rarely becomes downtrodden or somber..........but then ever present reality patiently waits for the moment when I am so tired that I take a two hour nap and spend the rest of the day in a nauseous sense of self-loathing. In this muddled, disheveled state I usually have the wherewithal to realize that it is just me myself and I fighting the fact that I have fallen desperately short of my ideals.
So here I am just me spinning in my life dryer (because obviously I am done with the wash cycle).
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