The Rise of the Man-child

URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT.......MAN-CHILDREN ARE TAKING OVER MOST OF OUR MAJOR CITIES. They bag our groceries at the supermarket checkout, they are our coworkers, friends, peers and fellow human beings. They look like regular human beings but they are not as they seem. They are sneaky byproducts of the millennial generation sent to prolong adolescence indefinitely.

Here is the inconclusive breakdown of the species...

1) The Bro Man-child: This group of man-children is by far the most obvious to the outside observer. Their typical attire may range from colorful board shorts to gym shorts with some other shorts worn for specific occasions except for short shorts. Baseball caps are mandatory as are collared shirts and t-shirts. Typical interests of the bro-children include; sports, beer pong, their fellow bros, video games, drinking games, womanizing, going to vegas, watching sports and living with other bros. Their moms frequently do their laundry well into their early 30's. The primary goal of the bro lifestyle is to have fun. Bros see relationships as a threat to their brotherhood and seek to primarily use women in order to obtain a means to that end. Their primary fear is homosexuality.

2) The White Trash Man-child: This group is largely rurally based. They marry young, typically to their high school sweet-hearts and have many children. Their primary interests include; drinking bear, taking pride in manual labor, loving America, watching sports, doing minimal housework and avoiding the responsibilities of child rearing. Patriarchy is a core belief. Their primary fear is terrorism.

3) The Peter-Pan Man-child: These impish individuals cavort around as though their whole world is their endless Neverland. Girls are either viewed as a nonentity that interferes with careless fun or as careless fun. They typically clothe themselves in V-neck American Apparel t-shirts, colorful sunglasses and cut off corduroys or jeans outside of their work hours. Their primary interests include; pranks, dangerous pranks, dressing up in costumes, carefree travel abroad, growing mustaches, pointless competitions and living in unsanitary conditions. Their primary fear is growing up.

4) Child that wants to be a Man: Not a man-child group per se but can easily be confused as one. In their early 20's, these boys want to be men despite having no realistic concept of adulthood. Typically serial monogamists, these young men pursue serious relationships with gusto and the end goal of marriage. They take on a lot of responsibility prematurely and depend heavily on female instruction for success. Although chronically unprepared for life's follies and unexpected catastrophes, these men typically learn from their experiences and grow up to be valuable members of society.

5) The Unsuspecting Man-child: Out of all of the man-children, these boys cause the most destruction to themselves and others. They are usually well-spoken and extremely intelligent. Their primary goals are existential and numerous usually involving the achievement of some kind of world peace with their creative and numerous talents. They dress well with a nod to European fashion. Their interests surround the appreciation of the finer things in life including; food, world travel, film, humanitarianism, literature, theology, wine and art. Do not let appearances fool you though, for these are children in the truest sense of the word. These individuals often fall into relationships with those who grow to truly love them but they are unable to handle the reality of something outside themselves. Marriage and children are only viewed as possibilities of the distant future and serious relationships disrupt that world view. The carnage and destruction of the heartbroken lies in their wake. Their greatest fear is being tied down.

As mentioned earlier, this is an inconclusive breakdown with room for expansion and discovery of more Man-children. Also this breakdown does not dismiss the existence of good men. I know they exist for I have met some.